March 25, 2005 - 11:18 p.m.
Awake and Musing
I wonder at our notions of immortality... and our musings on the our lives' brevity. So much angst in our existential musings, so many unanswered questions. I sometimes feel that life is dreamy and ethereal, that we have souls that yearn to detach themselves from earthly bonds. While on other days I feel the weight of my flesh and bone. I feel that beyond there is nothing, that when our earthly remains rot away so will we. There will be nothing left.
I don't know what put me in this humour. In part I've been feeling this way for a long time. I've been withdrawn and mostly quiet. Musing and wondering and thinking. I don't share these thoughts often. I'm afraid that people will turn away from me in disgust, wondering why I don't just get on with my life.
I know that's how my boyfriend seems to react when I bring up these thoughts.
Still I know there's some amount of childishness in them, it's like the first time you are really aware of your body - your self. I was probably around eight when I first had the conscious thought "What am I doing here, am I really alive?" I remember standing in the crawl space in our basement, feeling the movement of my blood through my veins. I remember the light-headedness I felt - that sort of fuzzy feeling you get when you're about to faint.
I still feel that way sometimes, although inevitably, it's layered in different meanings and contexts, as things tend to be over time.
What is important in life? What really matters? I can't answer that as easily as I maybe should. I can give you some answers that I strongly believe are true.
I feel that our time here is a gift and we need to appreciate it.
I feel that we need to take care of the home we were given and not exploit it so excessively. We need to stop amd take a look at the path we, as a whole, are heading down.
I am a strong believer in environmentalism. That we must take our stewardship of the earth much more seriously than we have been.
I believe strongly in kindness and understanding.
I believe that we are all capable of loving and supporting each other. This is especially important in a world where people seem to want to build little fortresses to keep the rest of the world out.
I believe that belief is a wonderful thing and its the first step in any direction, but we also need to demostrate our beliefs.
I keep wondering how long I can stand to feel so hippocritical. I don't feel like I am doing enough to stand up for myself and my beliefs. I nod compliantly and concede that "What I think is only an opinion," when someone tells me that I am living "wrongly, badly, naively, etc..." and lately while I have been trying to be more socialable and active in the community, I find it hard to pick up the phone and ask questions sometimes. I'm deathly afraid of approaching people.
I feel strange and oddly detached sometimes. I seem to watch myself like a clinical observer, pointing out the flaws in my reasoning, and my character.
So it still comes down to what does this all mean? What does it matter?
I still don't know for sure and I am still striving to find my place in all.
