June 2, 2005 - 10:48 a.m.
Helter Skelter
Life never seems to be anything but chaotic and nosensical - even when it is slow and unremarkable. Everything lately has been slighly off-kilter enough to not make any sense. I've dropped off the planet in many ways and I feel like I husk - inert and languishing.
I don't know why I feel this way - I just do. I've been stupidly argumentative, which you can ask Crash, although somewhat unwillingly. I hate fighting, especially with the people I love, but it's an inavoidable fact of my life lately. I've just been saying things that are inappropriate or ill-timed or both. I feel listless because most of what I say seems childishly stupid and tunnel-sighted and is treated so.
I just want someone to take my childish and stupid thoughts seriously enough to actually acknowledge that they might, just might have some merit.
I don't know if you remember this feeling, or ever felt this way before. This is mostly from when I was younger: When I ever got a high fever, I would alternately feel heavy, thick and unwieldly or tiny, hard and light. I feel that way now, in some weird way. I am slightly ill with a cough and a sore throat... but it's weird, like everything I have thoughts on is suddenly small, far away and impenetrable or its so close and big that it's unfocussed and hard to get a grip on.
Maybe I'm just mentally ill and I don't want to come to terms with the fact that I may have to stay on antidepressants for the rest of my life. I can't seem to make sense of my life right now. Nothing fits together and I'm scrambling to make it make sense.
