June 3, 2005 - 8:59 p.m.
Brain Gone, Better Headspace...
...Or is that just more headspace? I've come to realise that my mood swings are something that I depend on. They keep me sane in a way...
Which I just realised is a little weird. Maybe I just sound psycho. Anyhow, I've been listening to Ani DiFranco's Cloud Blood. Here are the lyrics:
CLOUD BLOOD
i've been wondering what you meant
when you asked do you have a light?
i've been wondering where you went
when you left that party that night
cloud blood smudge smeared on the sky
its dawns roadkill
i've been driving since midnight
and i'm driving still
stop on the top of the ridge
just to feel the wind on my rand mcnally
then i feel the air grow cold
as i drift in to the first blue of the valley
and you're wondering how far down you are on my
call back list
but you don't realize
everytime i find i'm by a phone the landscape shifts
every other song someones trying to write
angels into the world
every grace every ace every near miss
every decent kiss by a pretty girl
she was an angel
she looked like an angel
and all of the angels did sing
and the angels were watching
and the angels were listening
and the angels were on hand to stand in for everything
you can call it magic
when a man pulls a rabbit out of a hat
but the reason i don't call
is cuz i wonder if there isnt a better word than that
and you can call me crazy
but i think you're as lazy as white paint on the wall
and i know you'll only speak to me in dial tones
if i call
its been way too long
since i've been behind the wheel
headlights guiding me right through the dark
i feel
dry eyed, trying to resist
sleeps first kiss
everytime i have time to think
i think of this
da da da da
da da da
da da
I read song lyrics and poetry, and I remember that I used to breath and live through my poetry and I was good at it. I don't know what happened, but I feel like that well has dried up now. Which is weird because I think I must still have much emotion somewhere inside me. I know I do.
I've made a few attempts here and there, but I inevitably put it aside somehow. I find an excuse, I forget... I don't know. When I had my poetry I at least felt connected, when I listened to music more often than I do. I used to live these things, now I look on them as a rare repose from the real world, which has lately been grey and lifeless. Which has been grey and lifeless for far longer than I would like to admit.
I don't mean all the time, of course, there's Crash and I love him fiercely. I have friends that I also love and don't seem to see nearly enough. I have a family that I have mended with and love as well. I have what seem like moments of intense emotion in an otherwise barren world. There are things I care about, but I don't seem to be doing the things I should do to support them.
Maybe this whole mood swing thing is a subconscious effort to break free of the apathy that seems to take hold of me... the emotional frigidity that I seem to exhibit at inappropriate times. Like when my Nanny died... I cried when I first found out, but didn't spend anytime mourning until well over a year after she died.
In that time span, I became depressed and developed a mild case of anorexia nervosa. I desperately craved a boyfriend - which I think I associated with love.
And the moral of this story kids? What the hell is the point of what I just said?
I have this really bad tendency to focus on the wrong things to divert my attention from the matter at hand. Now, 7 years after she died I find myself reading a book and weeping because something reminds me of my Nanny. I really don't know if this is normal behaviour. Maybe this is because I didn't deal with it when it was right in front of me.
Maybe it's just because we still miss people even years after they're gone.
