July 22, 2005 - 7:18 p.m.
Been A Long Time...
I'm sure we all know this song very well... Oddly I prefer the cover Rasputina did. Something about all those strings. It must be why I prefer Apocalyptica to Metallica.
I've found an interesting band, kind of reminescent of New Order or Joy Division, check out their website here:
http://www.thegentry.com/
I've been writing lately and I find catharsis on one hand, combined with a whole lot of frustration at my atrophied writing skills... Words that used to come so easily to my command seem to dissapate into thin air when I need them... I drives me crazy.
I still don't know about my job... Collections is definitely not my career of choice. I feel like I'm failing miserably. My assertiveness is not as high as it should be, so I just let people talk over me... affording them the same dignities they refuse me. So nothing really gets done. It's frustrating and I realise this is mostly my own fault for not being firmer, but being firm only serves to piss them off further.
Why don't they teach people useful things in highschool, like managing finances and banking? They should make this a mandatory thing. People should know these things!
Life feels slighty dampened lately... I don't know if this is always how it's going to feel... but I don't want it to. I'm scared that I'm going to feel like this for the rest of my life...
I know I shouldn't whine and if I want to live more, I should just go and do things... but everything feels almost like it's not really happening.
Ugh...
It is also a part of the reason, though, that I've been keeping myself busy writing for Shade. This may also be part of the reason I feel so compelled to write a lot about Angela. She's the down-to-earth psychiatrist that sort of falls down a rabbit hole into this slightly twisted and magical world -- "the secret" as they call it in the comic. We see before she falls into this world, this sense that there is something missing, that what she is seeing isn't quite right.
But this isn't the main focal point of the story. Crash has been writing the first few issues. I've been editting and tweaking a bit, but nothing major. This plot involving Angela doesn't come in for quite some time.
Weird... thinking of the parallel I'm drawing to my own life... but ridiculous. How can you live your life without yourself being in it?
And with that, I will end it on these song lyrics:
Going Once
going once
going twice
sold to the girl who ignored all the good advice
of all the people who knew better
she just stood there
on the front porch
waiting for her (will) to come and get her
she was packed
she had a suitcase
full of noble intentions
she had a (map)
and a staight face
hell bent on reinvention
and she was ready for a long day
she was in it for it (only)
and they said "you think that you don't need us
but you're not going to get far
all your big ideas are suckers
none of them work
none of them have cars"
but she was not deterred
it was like she hadn't heard a word
and just then a primer grey el camino
pulled up to the curb
going once
going twice
down the road less taken
through the coffee
and the wd40
and the gasoline
and the beer
there was always someone there to say
why don't you just stay
and hang your hat
here
but she was packed
she had a suitcase
full of fumbles and near misses
she was swinging through a jungle
of last calls and first kisses
and she was learning
about please
about hugh/cute? humilities
and then one day she looked around her
and everything up till then was showing
and she wondered how did i get here
without even knowing where i was going
and now there's no getting out of this
and there's no going back
and it all seems so odd sometimes
and the odds all seemed stacked
going once
going twice
sold to the girl
who ignored all the (good) advice
of all the people who knew better (for better or for worse)
of all the people who knew worse
yeah her will was her chaufFer
yeah her will was her curse
she was packed
she had a suitcase
she had a map
and a straight face
she was ready for the lonely
she was in it forever
she was in it forever
she was in it
she was in it ...........
~Ani DiFranco
